As many of you may know, alcoholism and mental illness can often go hand in hand.
I’ve struggled with depression since I was 15. My first year of college was scary, looking back on it scares me more because at the time I didn’t even realize how bad I was doing.
The fall of 2014 I started school at the University of Wisconsin-Superior. I felt very alone, as I knew no one in the area and only had made a few friends. I spent a lot of the year in my room, sleeping all day and skipping many of my classes. Suicidal thoughts were a daily occurrence, and I never talked to anyone about how I was feeling.
I went into the year sober, but struggled to remain that way as every friend I made was an avid drinker or pot smoker. The night of October 27th I relapsed with a friend but was immediately pushed by my friends and parents to start going to AA. Fortunately, I did. I found an amazing sponsor and started working the steps, and have been sober ever since. Unfortunately, being sober and working a program doesn’t make my depression disappear.
Every day was a struggle to get up and do something. No one understood why I wouldn’t just focus on school and stop sleeping so much. I didn’t understand it either. I was constantly on the verge of tears and suicidal thoughts were literally constantly running through my head. It was so scary because I know I didn’t want to die, but the sadness was so overwhelmingly consuming I felt like there was nothing else I could do. It just kept getting worse.
My sponsor was definitely God sent. If I ever did open up to someone, it was her. She forced me to go to meetings, fellowship, and she could always tell when I was doing worse than normal; she would make me
spend the night with her those nights.
Things completely spiraled out of control on March 3rd, 2015, when I woke up to a phone call from my mom telling me that my older brother’s best friend, Alex, committed suicide the night before. He was only 21. He was very close to my family, and my whole family was completely devastated. It was so hard to go through, and it was so hard to watch my whole family go through. It made everything I was going through on my own, so much harder. I was stuck in Superior, alone with my thoughts. It was a scary place to be.
Fortunately, I was pushed by a friend to apply to the StepUP Program, and after some work I got the call that I was admitted. I remember that day being one of the best days I’d had in awhile. I immediately thanked God and Alex, as I felt strongly that they both had an influence on my admission.
I felt like I would be safer being closer to family and in an environment that was supportive of my sobriety. In Superior, none of the students were sober, all of my friends drank, and on the weekends, the residence halls were filled with people partying.
Joining StepUP has been one of my most life changing decisions. I didn’t expect any of the amazing things that have happened. It started off a little rocky, but I am a different person. The first day of orientation, I was literally shaking from anxiety. Today, I am beginning to see a light.
I have made the most amazing friends, I have started making healthy decisions, and I actually go to class and get decent grades. These steps may seem insignificant, but when you are in the grips of depression, these things are not easy.
I still have depression, I still have bad days, but it doesn’t consume my life anymore; and I am so grateful for that. I don’t know who to thank for this new-found hope: StepUP, God, or myself. I truly never thought that I would go through a day without wanting to end my life, but today, days pass where it doesn’t cross my mind. It makes me emotional, because I was so broken and I know I’m getting better and it’s a really good feeling.
I wake up knowing I have a whole community of support behind me, and that has been so important to me on this journey. I now know that things really can get better, which is something I never believed before. Thank you to my new friends and supporters who have helped me get to this point, I really don’t know where I would be today if it wasn’t for you all.